I saw you and I loved you

I saw you and I loved you

From the moment that we met

Even if I didn’t know what love meant then

And sometimes still forget.

 

We connected in an exploding star

Your heart and mine,

And travelled separately and together through space

To this time and this place.

 

I know this because I feel the universe

Inside my love for you

A vast expanse that knows no bounds

And expands ever into them.

 

I resonate, I do

At an intimately infinite level

In time with your own unique vibration

Because we are two halves of one whole

Formed in the same fiery furnace

In time’s violent beginnings

 

And sometimes I catch my breath

With the sudden realisation

Of the perpetuity of our connection

A silver thread that transcends reality.

 

Here and now we’ve grown together

Like two trees

Wound our trunks around each other

Over coffee and chores and

Before the cry of offspring and school reports,

Over tequila shots and greasy breakfasts

And broken hearts and the struggle for self-identity.

And yet, here we still stand

 

Yes, here we stand

On the edge of now

With tomorrow ahead and yesterday behind

On the edge of this moment here

A million possible moments in this very moment

And I know

I know in the very make up of my matter

That my love for you extends across infinitude

And bad moods

To all those universes where you and I might dance a different dance

And make different choices or live different lives

Or perhaps we’ve not even met, yet.

And still we were born in the same star

And we create infinite music together.

c Sharlene Zeederberg, March 2018

Beware The Pious

Beware the pious
Wrapped smugly in their hard-edged worlds
With ancient words of steel that crack like thunder
On an open field.
Enrobed with suspicious glare
They march around the borders of minds
They’ve furrowed dry and bare
Wary for ideas buried there

Beware the pious
who control your mind
Wrap you up in culture
Teach you to be unkind
Or worse
Static.
Still.

For the river that does not flow
grows dank and dirty –
festering in its own excrement.
And the mind that fixates on a single point of view
Hardens in its certainty.
Like concrete,
Ugly, stuck and dead
Devoid of meaning
Of love
Of life
Of God.

So beware the pious who invoke ancient rules
with no room for love.
Who make war on the creative spirit,
that is the voice of your better self,
with holy scriptures stuck in time.
Unyielding.
Used out of place to stir up disgrace.

Oh beware, beware
Those who claim to know the mind of God
Who demand your unquestioning silence
With threats of violence
And your oath
Of blind fealty

For they care not for you.

Beware the pious with their myopic gaze
Who’ve never looked up with wonder at the moon
Or stretched their minds into the vast caverns of space
Which throws shadows on conviction.
For they would sacrifice your future on the pyres of a past
They cling to with necromantic fingers,
And braid your fears into blindness.

Beware the pious who police
your food,
your clothes,
your body,
your opinions,
your mood.
Your soul
Which thirsts, with deep desire,
To dream, to seek, to expand
And dare take flight
beyond the confines of cult and slight.
Your soul which shimmers with the glimmer of love
Like a naked body, touched by the whisper of winter air
On an autumnal evening,
And is moved
By art
And music
And a sky full of stars.

Beware the pious.
They care not for you.
They speak not for you.
They would destroy you to protect their own desires.
And claim the glory for a God of their own imagining.

Sharlene Zeederberg April 2016

Death

I have no words, still after all this time no words

As though your death has rendered me speechless

The blank paper beseeches me to remember you

But my thoughts are like paper confetti

Blown away in an sudden breeze.

 

How do I put in simple phrases

The complex man you once were

How do I find, in simple places

An expression that captures all I learned

 

The complex contorted relationship

That strangled, strung out

Display of love and affection

Of esteem and goodwill

Of tired intervention

And fear of never being able to fulfil

The potential you saw in me

The love you promised me

The fear you instilled in me

Through love

With love

And hope

And fear

And your own insecurities

And my own

 

My own

Which drown me, often.

 

I travel thousands of miles

In planes and trains and automobiles

To your house where I hope to feel

Something real

Something of you

Your vibrant personality

To hear a voice yelling for tea

Or saying, once again,  I love you

 

And to hear, something more

Just once

An amendment to the usual call

I love you regardless of what you do

Of who you are

Of what you think

I love you as you are

Every blemish, every chink

 

But it is silent now

So silent

And the chance to check

To ask

Is gone.

 

The background has closed in

And there is not even a physical space

Where you used to be

Just an emotional scar

That runs through me

 

And it is hard to remember the timbre of your voice at all

 

Unexpectedly

Playing scrabble, my eyes alight on the letter P

All pock-marked white from a run in with your dog, long before me

And suddenly I hear you loud and clear, your spirit fires nearby

A momentary sharp recall before the veil of night whisks you away once more

 

 

 

End of the Race

I am tired of this race

This endless race

With hurdles to jump

And goals to embrace

I am tired of feeling not quite good enough

And burdened down with all this stuff

That means nothing to me

I suddenly find

I have no wish to be so defined

With a trophy shelf on my wall

And a sense of beating the rest

Of being the best

Of winning this race, this ridiculous race

When the sun is shining in a blue sky

With cotton wool clouds way up high

And the birds are chattering and the grass is green

Why should I bother with how I seem

To others who don’t matter

In the greater scheme

Should I not stop instead and watch

As the cat stretches out on the wall

Turns twice, yawns and falls asleep in a fluffy ball

Should I not lift my face to the sky

To feel the sun warm upon the lids of my eyes

And listen as the lorikeets fly by.

For in the end, we all find ourselves in the same place

And life, it turns out, is not a race

There is no starters gun at the beginning

No winners tape at the end

Just the sombre funeral march

And the return to the dark

And handbags and awards turn largely to dust

Along with your bones

Your memories

Your glory lust

If everything passes in just the same way

Then life is a journey, a momentary stay

In a vast landscape

Waiting to be explored

And moments signpost it all

Like

Feeling the pulse of your lover’s heart beat

Beneath your cheek

As you lie, head on chest, hand in hand

At the end of the day

Red Balloon

I wish I were a balloon,

Red with trailing tie,

Drifting in a summer’s breeze

In a clear blue sky.

 

I wish I could just let go

And float, free and clear

Watch the earth far below.

Empty, free from fear.

 

I wish I could create a space

That was quiet and still

Where I could sit a while without the pain

Caused by death’s near chill

 

But I am not a balloon, not free to fly

I am grounded here with you

Watching while you suffer and die

And there is nothing I can do.

For a Moment

Let us stop for a minute and drink wine
Or champagne,
If you have the time

Outside the window the world grows colder
A little more black, a little bit older
And soon darkness will greet us
Attempt to defeat us
With rivers of sorrow to cross

But just for this moment we’ll
Pretend
That life has no end
That all tomorrows are rosy hued
And every hope we hold comes true

Sit with me and we’ll quaff and chat
And dream of things bigger than that
And forget the crevices and cracks
Wrought  by life’s dynamic counter tacks
Where people we love lie dying

 

Copyright, Sharlene Zeederberg, 20 Oct 2013